i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
