Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My ass is underappreciated
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
