nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
