we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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