i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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