Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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