i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
