I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
