Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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