Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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