Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
