the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
