why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
