Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
