I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just gift wrapped bread.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
