drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I smell stomach acid.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
