if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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