how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
