hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
