I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
