All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
