frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
