My room smells like vodka and shame
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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