chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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