I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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