I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
