I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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