some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This baby is an asshole
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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