i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
