I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We have so much sex to catch up on
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
