put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
