I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
