how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
