ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
