don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
