Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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