I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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