my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
