Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
