OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
3 2 1 whiskey
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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