Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she told me i tasted like america
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
