someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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