Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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