$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
