just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
