see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
