Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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