i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
