I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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