Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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