if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
