Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
