I never want to see another naked old woman again.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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