dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
