so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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